What do we gain from giving up? Absolutely nothing. Yet we see ourselves and other people do it. Perhaps it's difficult to be strong. But maybe being strong or trying to be strong is the only way to live life. You know why? Because yes, the price you pay for becoming successfull is huge, but just wait until you see the bill for REGRET. When that bill comes, you will pay it, and it will haunt you.
Many of us will go through life putting ourselves in comfortable and winnable positions, and will brainwash our minds into thinking that we did good. Choosing the safe route gives you less room for dissapointments and you will have plenty of time to practise hedonism by watching all the sports matches, the movies, going to all the parties etc. You will do just good enough so you can afford the distractions that will keep you from thinking about your failures. I'm going to walk you through my life story and tell you exactly why quiting is never an option, you need to be the ruler of your dreams and not let the dreams rule you and make you feel insignificant if things are not going your way. Human is shaped and build from the beginning to the end. There's no shame in losing, because it means you're trying, and ''i lost'' is 10 times better than ''what if''.
''Just because you became mentally stronger, doesn't mean that when something bad happens it is going to hurt less, but now you will know what to do and the importance of not letting that bad thing break you."
- Marko Kostovski
Football rollercoaster
I'm speaking from experience here. Someone who gave up from his dream and paid the price for it. My lifelong dream was to be a professional footballer and play in Serie A. During my teenage years i've had ups and downs as a player. I thought i deserved more and i probably did, however i was always playing, always involved. I did not know ''the game''. Meaning, i didn't know the outside of the pitch stuff that goes in this industry. No one really helped me or protected me in those regards, and that's a fact. What's also a fact is that my coach pulled me aside before one training session and told me that i'm techiqually the most gifted player with the best dribbling abilities in that whole team, but also compared to other groups withing the club, however my speed and conditioning needs work. And what did i do? Nothing. I thought the coach was saying this stuff just to name some reason as to why i'm not the main focus in the team, and why i'm not playing with the other more quality groups as well. I thought because i was the best player in my neighborhood, that automatically will translate into a professional setting. Without changing my ways, my decision making, without stopping to play hero ball all the time, and actually play football. That coach is one of the rare people that was real with me, and at that time i didn't know better, to just listen to his advice, because he was spot on. However i'm thankfull for everything that he taught me about the game, and his simple way of explaining things, opened my eyes about football. And because of that, i believe that i understand this game.
I went to another club, that was less competitive at that time. I figured since in this club that i'm at, there are players that are clearly better than me, instead of me becoming better than them, i will just go to a different club where i will be the ''big fish in a small pond''. After the first training session in this new club, it was clear to me (without sounding too arrogant) that i was the best player in that team, by far. It would be a shame if that wasn't the case, because the players there, were nothing compared to the players i trained week in and week out with. And also the players from the other groups which were even better. But, after the 3rd or 4th training session i figured out that i wasn't going to play a single freaking match there.
The way things were there, only those 15-16 rich privileged kids would play matches, as for the other ones, it didn't matter what they did, they weren't going to play..The other 20 kids, we were treated like waste of space, usually the coach sent us out to the worst parts of the already horrible pitch and train seperately. One time we did rondos on a part of the pitch where there wasn't even a grass. In one instance he sent out a defender from the ''rich kids group'' to train with us, and as he was about to send him to join us, he said to him (with a smirk on his face) ''Go there and show them how it's done''. The first 15-20 seconds he joined our game, i gave him a nutmeg. The guy kinda acted surprised and said ''Eeey'', to which one of my friends replied to him ''What do to Eeey for? Marko is 10 times the player you will ever be''. Which was nice of him. The others also didn't appreciate what the coach said and the way he said it, to downgrade us, therefore after the first nutmeg, they kept passing me the ball, and i proceeded to nutmeg him two more times in short period of time. After that they guy said ''I'm done'' and just left. It was a bright spot in one of the most frustrating periods of my life.
Week after week i watched guys from my ''Outsiders'' group quit. Less and less people to actually talk to. I knew the situation was horrible but didn't want to quit. However, one day during training, in a rare ocassion where the ''Outsiders'' were allowed to mix up with the ''Rich kids'' and actually play football, something happened that killed my spirit. In a possesion game, I had the ball and dribbled three players in a slalom type dribble, it was amazing. As a stopped for a second and looked at the coach to see if he noticed that, he saw me looking at him and quickly turned around and acted like he didn't see a thing. I was crushed. As i saw that, i just let go of the ball and everything became blurry. I heard noises like ''Hey'', ''What are you doing''.. I didn't even know if it was the coach or some players. From that point on, the rest of the training session was a blur, changing in the locker room, going to the bus station, same thing. And when i got home i wasn't even in the mood to speak about it, i just sat in silence. I was so shocked that something that i love so much, could give me such pain. But usually that's how life works. Things that you love, don't always love you back.
Couple of years after while i was playing for other club, something happened that finally opened my eyes about my career. Something that my first coach was talking to me about. Here i was during a match, right winger, (kinda drifted into the middle as well) dribbling a bit, doing some fancy passes, all very technically sound, but nothing too concrete. Only to see the right back who didn't even have half the technique that i have, take the ball from our goal, push it and run all the way to the opposition's goal, bunch of players tried to tackle him, but they bounced off of him, then gave an assist to our striker, and goal.. I said to myself, i did all these fancy, cute little things with the ball, and our right back just did one sprint and was more effective in one action than what i did for the entire game. Finally my eyes were opened, because they were blinded by my own ego for such a long time to even see what was wrong.. I figured out why i was doing so well on a small sized pitch, and why i was struggling on a big, regular sized football pitch. On a small sized pitch you dribble 1-2 people, and you're half way there. Also you can use your strenght and physicallity to your advantage in even bigger fashion. However on a bigger pitch, i would dribble one person, maybe two, and because i was slow, the third one will get the ball. The hero ball didn't work there, for obvious reasons, too slow to do damage on a regular basis.
On a bright side, i knew what i had to now. That moment should've been the catalyst to something great, and i was determined to make it happen. I always had this dramatic scenario in my head where i worked out outside during the rain. And i did that. Didn't mess around this time. For a month and a half, i trained every single day, football sessions, but also bodyweight workouts. I was 16 years old and in the apsolute best shape i've ever been. The plan was set. I was going to go back to my first club as an improved player, however for the first time in my life, i was going to go to a club with having someone to watch my back and protect me from unfair deeds. I learned my lesson about that as well, and i wasn't going to go somewhere without having a back up, a strong connection. Thankfully, my parents found that. The stage was set.
One day, i received a call from a friend about joining a pick up game, obviously i said yes. I got there and that day, i played the best game ever. We were maybe 30 minutes in, and my team lead with score like 14-2 or something..Each and every goal, was either scored or assisted by me. And suddenly, an injury. Knee/patella dislocation. In an aerial duel as a stepped down, i felt a kick, even though the other person said he didn't kick me.. Didn't matter. I layed there in agony and waited for the ambulance to arrive for what it seemed like an eternity. Safe to say that it wasn't a good experience all around. In periods like that you figure out a lot of things. Guys that knew me my whole life and were there when it happened , couldn't care less. Maybe my body was in pain but my ears worked. The two guys who took care of me, called an ambulance and my father, were guys that i just met maybe 2 months beforehand. They were with me in the ambulance and waited for my parents to arrive in the hospital. I can't thank them enough for it.
That summer my crib was full of people, maybe 20-25 ''friends'' in total during that period hung out at my place and played on PS2. After the injury only 5 of them ever visited me, 2 of which were the guys that were with me in the hospital, my best friend at the time, my friend/mentor figure and one other guy who got stood up for the world cup final by the so called friends group. Other two guys actually stopped by my house..To take their playstation back. My father gave them their PS2, and he didn't even had to tell me, i knew they wouldn't even ask how i was. I was quickly smartened up when it came to friendships in life. However there were other things that i wish i was smartened up way way sooner than i actually was.
That period changed me as a person. I already was struggling mentally because of constant disappointments in football. I had a brief period where i felt good but when the injury happened it was like a mind knockout. Yes, i recovered in 2 and half months, physically. Mentally, it took almost a decade to see improvements. As far as my football career went. I quit. I let that event traumatize me to a point of even being uneasy of watching the game. And also i bought into that crap of the usual story ''Oh i injured my knee when i was young and that was it'' type of coping. Which is nonsense, i could've easily start again, and i mean easily. But i didn't, and i paid for it.
There was maybe a one hour spark in me when someone said something cool after telling him i don't play football anymore. He said that he was shocked and told me about stories when i was a kid. When the older kids wanted to mess with me, they would just say that i'm not the best in football around the hood, and i would get so riled up i would start chasing everybody and start to argue. However that spark didn't last long, it takes way more than that for things to change.
Don't let anything or anyone kill your spirit, don't you ever lose your spark in life.
Getting a dog
After that i went through the motions, did just good enough so i don't have to be employed somewhere because i was never a fan of the idea to work for someone else and be controlled in that way. I had some relatively successfull businesses and with my mother we opened a company. I was not rich by any means though.
Years went by and i was unconciously escaping into the comfortable zones, running away from any kind of challenge. I was far away from any type of progress, but in the back of my mind i knew things needed to change. My biggest and most important event was getting a dog. From someone who felt unnapreciated and not respected to being seen as a protector and provider by this little wonderful creature. I remember the first day, i took him home by just holding him like a baby, we crossed the street walked 300-400 meters all that stuff. In one moment the puppy started crying and shaking, in a calm voice i told him ''Don't worry, everything is going to be ok''. And somehow he calmed down immediately, i couldn't believe it. God sent me that dog for a reason, and very quickly i understood why. One day i was feeling down, and all of a sudden i saw him looking at me with admiration like i'm freaking Cristiano Ronaldo. Jockingly i told him ''why you looking at me like that like i'm Ronaldo''. To him i'm that. I'm the coolest, he probably thinks i can fix everything and i know all the answers, and i'm so flattered by the love and the trust. That was such a powerful moment that i insantly forgot what i was even sad about. Without that dog, i'm nothing and nobody, he protected me and still protects me way more than i could ever protect him.
Change of scenery
After realising that professional wrestling is not something that i could really do, i believe that i'm a good athlete but since i can't even do a front flip when i jump into a pool..I kinda drifted out from that wish to be a wrestler, it's a very cool thing to do for sure, but it's not for me. Over time i caught the football bug again. Played briefly for some teams but wasn't too consistent and nothing really came out of it. Time flew by, nothing really was happening, that's when i decided to move on from my live in Macedonia and start a new one in Serbia. It's a 100 km difference, but for my soul it was a big change. I moved in into my late grandfathers house, obviously took my dog with me. Both of us needed some time to grow. Wasn't easy. But man, we stood by each others side every step of the way. The bond we created over the years is incredible. He needed to work on not trying to escape all the time, and me, i needed to work on everyhing. Things were slowly progressing, i got my UEFA C license, started working as a coach a little bit, worked out in the gym, the new life in the new city was still feeling as a fresh experience, 1 year into it. David Goggins and Tim Grover were my main source for wisdom, and listening to them felt like Alexander the Great taking advice from Aristotel. I was neither Alexander or great by any means, but those guys felt like Aristotel to me, and i needed that, i needed that way earlier in my life, but it is what it is. Listening to people like that, taught me how to actually learn from my mistakes and use my trauma so i can create something positive out of it, and not just be affected and shaped by it in a way that's going to sabotage my life. My streak of being my own boss ended, and i was working in a warehouse for about 15 months, which was learning experience in many ways. But something else happened during that period that brought sunshine in my days and it came with a beatufil charming smile.
Finding the girl of my dreams
She fixed something that couldn't be fixed for more than a decade.
I'm going to keep the football topic here very brief. I started working out like a mad man. Got into the best shape of my life, got in to a club where every training i was dominating, and we didn't even play actual football during practise, only played with 2-3 touches max. I'm glad that we didn't though. Because it would been even more evident of the quality difference and also how shameful and unfairly they treated me. I was constistent, first one to arrive, played great in practise and got no minutes in matches, i know why, but i won't go into that because this girl i met fixed something that was eating me alive for years, and that's the fact that my pro football career failed.
I always wanted to fall in love, but you can't force that. From one side it was tough chasing love, but on the other side it was easy to end things with those other girls i was previously because i didn't feel anything for them. Over time i even stopped thinking about that idea because i had a lot of other things to take care of. I met this sweet lady and even in the first date i felt something weird. When we greeted and started walking, i noticed that she walks fast as well, i commented on that, and things kinda flowed from there. I'm the first one to tell, i'm not the smoothest talker when it comes to the ladies, but with her even on the first date i felt so in peace, so comfortable and natural, i was confident that i wasn't going to let this opportunity slip away. Those first couple of months of us dating were the most beatufiul and care free months of my life. If i had to explain my love for her with a song, it would be ''Osecam i znam'' by Zana. The sweet melody with the innocent and pure sound, perfectly describes how much i was in love with her and what i felt for her. The air was different when she was next to me, a different stratosphere, and no matter what, she knew how much i appreciated the time we spent together and how special it was for me, my eyes and soul were glued to her, and i wouldn't want it any other way. I remember where we were and what she said and how she said it which made me fall in love with her. Sometimes when i go back from the gym towards my car, i walk by that place and look at the table we were sitting that day. It's a pathetic thing maybe, but it's a special moment for me, no matter how things ended. Finally i found out that there is love, outside of football, for the first time in my life. Love really excists, i felt it, and what's crazy about it is that pain i felt all these years about my career falling apart, that was fixed in such a quick fashion it was crazy. Healed i was, and my obsession redirected to somewhere else, which is always a risky business.
Unfortunately, our relationship wasn't going to last. I'm not going to go into details about why it ended. When we seperated i felt like a part of me died. My dream was always to come back from football practice, come home, open the gate and see 10 dogs running towards me, and as i kneel down to play with them, my wife and kids show up and we all hug together. The football part was gone, but i was still hoping about the other part. I wanted her to be the one. I believed to a fault. I apologised when i didn't mean it, multiple times, and that's the last time i am ever going to do that. The thing about love, about another human being is you can't just work hard and grind it out. It's not a gym workout, it's not a project. When it's over, it's over. It's crazy to me that this girl that once upon a time was everything to me, now there's a chance that i won't see her and talk to her ever in my life. From being such a huge part of me, to being a memory overnight. I miss her with every fiber of my being, i miss the times we spent together, but at the same time i know that walking away was the apsolute correct decision. I chose pride and dignity over something that eventually was going to destroy me anyway. I pulled the plug, knowing that it is going to break me in ways that nothing ever broke me before. I missed football and moved on, i miss her, but i gotta move on, plain and simple. No doubt about it, no way around it. Against the difficult things in life, you must fight them and defeat them, and i mean every single day if you have to.
Finding god
For some reason, there's been a lot of times that i've been my own worst enemy. I let my football failures to define me as a person. Yes, there were many unfortunate situations. In the same period i dislocated my knee, my friend/mentor was screwed out of big competition he earned the right to go to. And that broke him and changed him forever. He was like my idol, my brother. Just watching his relentlesness and determination about everything, motivated me to do better. When we used to watch Juventus matches, at half time we used to play one on one (dribbling) in his room and it was absolute insanity. His desire to win even in meaningless game like that with a house ball was out of this world. Mind you he was 19,20 years old at that time (5 years older than me), and he was also very accomplished athtlete, but still took something like this extremely serious. That forced me to keep up and the intensity we competed against each other was like our lives depended on this one on one game. However it was not meaningless, that tought me what it means to be a competitor, a winner. From standing up for me countless times, to being probably the only one who believed in me, that dude was special and unique, and i'm completely shocked at what happened because he was the type of cat that was going to conquer whatever field and profession he chose to do, just out of his pure intensity. But he changed, and i changed, and instead of being there for each other during those difficult times, we drifted apart, and our friendship faded away and it is non existent nowadays.
Nobody is going to come to save you. Nodoby owes you anything. Hardly anybody apart from family members care about you. And the thruth is you don't need all that and go on a search to find it. At the end of the day the most important thing to find is: GOD. There came a point in my life where my direction became clear, i felt it in my soul, i needed to find the lord and let the lord guide me. I've learned to trust god, even in the difficult spells. Good times, bad times, the belief is still the same, and that's what it's all about. I've learned to thank god everyday when i wake up, pray for health and strenght and then go about my day knowing that god is by my side. You must not let the bad times break you, a better and more powerful version of yourself needs to come out each time you're in a situation like that. The great thing about it is knowing that you're not alone, i have god and i have family. For me, that gives me peace and clarity.
Dreams fade, people leave, and memories blur, but you remain. Only you stay, through it all, from the beginning to the end. However god is watching you, god knows your struggles, god believes in you, now go out and make god proud every single day.
Final assessment
It's easy to figure out why i fell in love with football. It's because it doesn't even feel real, it's seperated from reality in a way. I'm talking about actually playing the game, not the business. In life you can be a good soldier, do things the right way, be good enough and still see your spot taken by sell-outs and undeserving people. Along the way you kinda learn to play the game yourself, meaning to protect yourself while staying true to yourself and continue to do things the right way and always chose the hard way, because it's the only true way in life if you want to go through something, win, and actually feel like you've won. But for me, when i played football, when i received the ball, i felt like the world is mine. All eyes on me and i have the keys. Everything that happens on the pitch is your fault, good or bad, you manipulate the script with you own abillity therefore you gain instant clarity. What i love about this game is in those 90 minutes or less, you get the chance to express yourself and be yourself. That's what i loved about my ex girlfriend as well. Same feeling, and i got that only twice so far in my days. When she was by my side i felt like the world is mine, i felt like the most powerful human being on earth, but at the end of the day it's a feeling, it can go away. You can't operate in a way to satisfy your feelings, you need to operate in a way to make sure you fullfil your purpose. I don't want to over-analyse love. Yes there were things about her character and other stuff that i didn't like and i knew that it's shame that we ever argued because on the face of it, just by looking at us side by side, i know that we were designed to be together. And maybe if we met under different circumstances, we would've spend the rest of our lives together, it wasn't meant to be, and just like me playing in Serie A, it wasn't meant to be.
Failure is a risk when you try, but an absolute certainty when you don't.
Going through all of this, i think, maybe it's not always about the victory, maybe sometimes the lesson is more important. The only way you become better, stronger, wiser is if you put yourself in situations where you might fail. When you don't put yourself through the fire, you don't burn. That's true. But if you want something out of life, you have to enter the arena and battle and expect to be burned. Losing disappointments, rejections, repackaging, rebulding, retrying and maybe winning.. The road to any type of success is mostly that, it's mostly about who's willing to endure all that pain, and not many people stay in the fight. Most of them back out after they feel the first burn, and they choose the easy path. Dude, i will lose probably a lot in the future, that's for sure. But after paying the price of regret, paying the price of giving up on myself before. I won't do that ever again. You might see me lose, but you will definitely see me getting back up, over and over again.
The actual world of football is completely opposite from the game itself, lot of politicking, networking, and players just want to go out there and kick a ball, i get that. What also needs to be said is being a professional footballer is a priviledge. To be paid to do what you love? Not a lot of people will ever get that opportunity. So the juice is worth the squeeze, no doubt. After failing as a player and being defeated by football for years and years, finally i've managed to flip the script on it, and defeat football twice. First after finding love in a different form, by being with my ex girl, and also by finding passion in coaching and helping players to improve. It took a long long time, but somehow, someway i managed to defeat that monster. Now it's up to the other ones to defeat them.
Finish your story on your terms.
For the aspiring footballers, whatever you go through, no matter what is the challenge in front of you. Injury, nepotism, corruption, bad luck, whatever. Don't quit just because the journey is hard. Don't end this chapter without giving everything that you have. The ''blood, sweat, tears'' deal..Don't let that be just a cool catchphrase, make it a reality. In the end, even if things don't work out, just the lessons you learn and the character you build along the way are worth the hardships this journey throws at you.
The purpose
Decades spent on chasing things, chasing a career, chasing money, girls, accomplishments..Altough i'm a very ambitious and driven person and i'm aiming to win as much as possible, i realised it's not about being a professional footballer, it's not about the money, it's not even about love. To quote the late great Greg Plit ''There are no traffic jams in the last mile of the race, it's just you and your shadow. In the beginning everybody's there, all the pretenders and contenders, they're all there. But in the last yard of life, in the last mile of the journey there ain't nobody but you and your shadow''.
So maybe all of this is not about specific goals in life, it's about the character built along the way, it's about finding god, it's about finding myself.
Writer: Marko Kostovski
3.11.2026
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